Corpus Delicti is a concept out of western jurisprudence that states for someone to be punished of a crime, there must be evidence of that crime being committed, and for the longest time — that’s all that phrase meant to me. Body of Crime.
But things changed when my therapist brought this idea up. She asked me, do you know of Corpus Delicti and I failed to make any connections. I looked it up and tried to make sense of what she meant. To her credit, this was an amazing analogy, and it did the job. I went home and searched it. I came to my own conclusion and it didn’t give off the impression that she was trying to invalidate my experiences.
Reading about the concept, I realized that it signified that a dead body proved the murder happening, similarly in my case — me being miserable, me holding on to my insecurities proved I had gone through what I went through. I was holding on to that experience because it was my reality and to move on would mean to erase it. As dysfunctional as it is, it is understandable-I clinged on to my problems because they signified what I went through. Once I realized this, I had a small bout of anger, does my therapist not understand the affect my childhood had on me. Soon, after, that anger started to go away as I realized, I basically force myself in situations that make me feel shitty because its what’s familiar. But is that really the case, am I gravitating towards them because they’re familiar or maybe I don’t want to part ways with it.
I think that, was the defining part of my journey towards recovery, I finally realized that I had grown too attached to who I was, and that attachment was stopping me from being better. I was holding on to myself, specifically parts of myself that had proved to be detrimental for me in the past.